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President Donald Trump is sending Obamacare (Affordable Care Act) to its grave. Open Enrollment will change. The mandate requiring the purchase of compliant medical coverage will change.  The American Health Care Act will be passed. And Ohio individual and family health insurance rates will go down. Or will they increase? So many unanswered questions and unquestioned answers.

With the help of Washington insiders, the Cleveland Indians, and our Seinfeld sense of humor, we present to you – “10 Things You Wanted To Know About Trumpcare, But Were Afraid To Ask.” Tongue and cheek, of course.  Please enjoy!

Individuals that complete an annual physical each year, and take no major medications, will be rewarded with a free three-night stay at any Trump resort in the world. Popular US destinations include New York, Chicago, Miami, and Las Vegas. Gold-plated faucets and curtains cost extra, although gold-colored blankets and sheets are standard. The mini-refrigerator comes with a full stock of food and beverages, including selections from Trump Winery.

“Trump Points” will be awarded to all persons that pay their out-of-pocket costs (copays, deductibles, and coinsurance) by the due date of the bill. If you pay 14 days early, an extra 1,000 “Trump Points” will be earned. At the end of the calendar year, you can redeem your points for great gifts, including electronic items, clothing, outdoor patio furniture, and shares of stock of Sears. If Sears files for bankruptcy, Walmart gift certificates will be available. Target and Kohls gift certificates are also available, for a slight cost.

Have you been thinking about getting an alarm system for your home to keep burglars away and strangers off your property? Congratulations! As part of an introductory  promotion, the first 1 million persons to sign up for the new healthcare coverage will get their choice of a 10-feet wall built around their house or a 15-foot moat that surrounds the property. And by the way…Kentucky will pay for it. An optional swinging door pet gate will allow cats and dogs to enter the country, as long as they are spayed or neutered.

The Key Tower,  in downtown Cleveland, is the tallest building in Ohio, and the 24th tallest building in the US. It can be seen 20 miles away, and is home to KeyCorp. But the new Buckeye-Trump Tower will begin construction in late 2017 and will eventually be the home to Department of Health And Human Services (HHS) employees. It will replace the Key Tower at the tallest building in Ohio. And actually, it will become the tallest building in the world, reaching more than 27 miles in the sky. From the top floor, with a strong telescope, you’ll be able to see Uranus.

Health Savings Accounts (HSAs) will continue to be offered by most major insurers, with a new wrinkle. In addition to depositing tax-deferred dollars into your account, you will now be able to deposit “Trump Dollars” into your HSA. Available at most fine restaurants, grocery stores, and Ohio State football games, this new currency will have one advantage over regular US dollars. You can redeem any unused funds at the end of the year for several gifts, including gold-plated teeth, Long John Silver’s gift certificates, and free tickets to the Cincinnati Zoo.

A new 24-hour television network, “The Apprentice,” will be aired on Channel 146. It will also be aired on channels 151-289 and channels 14-75.  New episodes will be filmed from the White House.  A local “Ohio Apprentice” will be filmed at Kings Island, and aired on weekends only. Network programming will offer free healthcare tips and a free database of all Donald Trump press conferences within the last three years. Young entrepreneurs with great ideas can apply online to pitch their product.

TrumpCare “Preferred Status” will be awarded to all household members who don’t drink, smoke, or have a BMI (Body Mass Index) more than 15% of their recommended level. Special perks will include two free ER visits, a selfie with President Trump, or any other family member, and  a lifetime free pass to the Pro Football Hall Of Fame in Canton. You’ll also receive free dried fruit snacks every month until you reach age 70.

The Cleveland Indians will be re-named the Cleveland Trumpeters, and all home games will be played in New York City. To accommodate season ticket holders, loyal baseball fans will be able to fly one-way from Cleveland at half-price. The return trip will be handled by Southwest Airlines, with all direct routes stopping in Chicago and Las Vegas, before heading back to Cleveland. Any passenger caught wearing any New York Yankees-related clothing, will be immediately deported.

WSAs (Wall Savings Accounts) will also be created under the Trump Administration. The WSA (Wall Savings Account), will allow Ohio residents to contribute tax-free dollars to help pay for the wall separating the US and Mexico. For every dollar invested, two additional dollars will immediately become available to pay for policy copays, coinsurance, and deductibles. And as a special perk, free vacations to Cancun and Mexico City will be offered to every college student that graduates with at least a 3.5 GPA.

“Make Ohio Great Again” will become the new state motto, with souvenir t-shirts given out to every resident. As a special inducement to wear the t-shirt, when renewing driver’s licenses or vehicle registrations, a 25% discount will be applied to the cost, if the t-shirt is clearly visible. Any person who has the slogan on their pants, will receive  a free vanity license plate with “Make Ohio Great Again” prominently displayed on the top and bottom.